Beaker Is Frazzled too…

Some might call me frazzled. Others, an overly imaginative soul. They are not wrong. I am chronically afraid I left the burner on, the door unlocked, and lost my phone in the toilet. No, not because I am OCD (have you seen my desk?) but because I actually DO these things on a regular basis.

My daughter, just 3 and a half, is already trained anytime we leave the house. “Mommy you need me to help you find your phone and your wallet, right? I’m a good finder.”

Frazzled me accidentally “leaves” things in odd places. A purse in the…

Photo by Tony Reid, Unsplash. Glacier Park, Montana

I’m back in Montana with family. One of our favorite pastimes is to recount old stories and memories of our late relatives, those loveable yet fallible characters that came to Montana for homesteading, gold, and other adventures.

Of course, because most of these famed relatives are now deceased, they are unable to stand up for themselves, which means the stories get rowdier, more interesting, and sometimes move further and further from the truth. The more wine is poured, the more wild the tales.

Disputed Truths

What I have realized with family memories is that everyone has their own version of the truth…

“But I love spending EVERY second with my daughter,” I said aghast. An older, wiser mom looked at me, laughed and poured herself more wine. You haven’t entered the phase of dysfunctional love yet. Just wait.”

Dysfunctional love, as described by my friend, was the inability to reconcile wanting to be with your child every second while also relishing time away. It’s like an epic romance novel, full of anxiety, passion and comedic frustration.

I thought I KNEW dysfunctional love. I mean. I had dated half of San Francisco’s forever Bachelors. But this love for my three year old daughter…

How we love shapes who we are and how we relate to the world. It often dictates how we view ourselves and what we think we can achieve. So where did this start? Who or what taught us about love in the first place?

Was it a romance that spun us out of control? Was it a parent that loved us unconditionally and helped us stay in control? Or was it something that happened to us that made the world stop spinning in one direction and then start to spin in the other? Is it because of what you got…

I nodded. I had been doing so well on my positivity journey . But today I wanted to show everyone my middle finger.

Yup — I had swallowed A LOT of that resentment poison. Apparently it was on sale, and others had drunk it too.

“I resent my ex wife for getting away with so much but I also resent myself for letting her,” said my friend Bob, “So I guess you could say it’s double resentment. I’m giving us both the finger.”

Bob had just started a “Happy Heart” workshop to help him move forward. Another woman in his…

My stomach lurched, my head felt light. I wanted to run into my bedroom and bury myself under the covers. No, I didn’t have a weird covid variant. I was about to present work to our CEO. Imposter Syndrome rushed through my body.

“You don’t belong here,” my brain told me. “You kinda suck. Give up before anyone finds out. I mean you can’t even grind your own coffee beans right. Who are you?”

I wasn’t alone. I belong to a Tech Moms Facebook group. …

“And then like that, he was gone. Why is it so hard to keep the one, after we find them?” asked Katie.

Katie had just experienced another heart wrenching breakup. She’s been chasing “the one” for 20 frantic years. Career, social life, and self identity were hastily put on the back burner.

Searching for “the one” is part of the human condition. We all seek love and partnership. But sometimes that goal, provoked by biology, Disney movies, and temporary madness, turns into an obsession. …

Living your truth can make you feel naked with all the feedback. But keep going….

Negative Feedback Hurts

“Look at the abundance you have. Get a grip, Heidi.”

I spit out my coffee. Woah. I was being accused of “broadcasting my woes” as a one dimensional banshee. These weren’t the type of Instagram comments I expected at 6am.

The comments were about my blog post where I wrote about the challenges of 2020 including a separation. It was my truth. But someone didn’t like it and decided to graffiti my social media feed.

I tried to think of where this person might be coming from.

Perhaps they felt my pain was blame, incriminating my ex partner. In reality…

Trying to rebuild after the damage of 2020

2020 Destroyed My Life as I Knew It.

Before the 2020 pandemic, I had a committed partnership, a house in a beautiful neighborhood and a cush job in innovation where I was flown to New York to speak at conferences. As I walk out of the pandemic in Spring 2021, I am single, living in a small apartment, with a new job where I spent 8 hours a day on Zoom. The only thing in my life that stayed constant is my daughter. (now a year older).

I lost a lot. But many others have lost more. Lives, businesses, dignity. …

The pandemic has tested my family’s sanity. We’ve turned our house into a joint office / daycare center. We multitask endless zoom calls alongside dishwasher unloading, toddler butt wiping (video off) and remote happy hours (video on).

We’ve never had more stress, more arguments, or more isolation. The word “bubble” once made me think of children’s laughter as they ran to catch soapy rainbows. Now that word just feels restrictive.

However…there IS a bright side to our Quarantine Life. There are many Pandemefits (Pandemic benefits). …

Heidi K. Isern

writer. thinker. whiskey drinker. let me help you tell your story. Published here, there and elsewhere across the world. @hisern /

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